I will be a dentist

That day the doctor asked me a question. That question surprised me. Even me myself never thought of this before.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BECOME A DENTIST?

She asked me about this.

YES.

I answered, I lied.

I didnt expect her to ask this. At that moment, something inside me urged me to say NO. Anyway, I lied to her.

From the very beginning, I didnt want to be a dentist. I never expected me myself to be a dentist. I only knew I need to be a dentist when I knew that I need to further study in UKM dentistry! Silly huh?

After getting know that I didnt get the medical course which I yearned for for years, I was disappointed, utterly broken down. I didnt even have the guts to make appeal for course transferring. there would be no miracle. I was scared that I would be disappointed, once again. So, I didnt do anything to make things change. People said I didnt do what I should do to chase back my dream. Thus, I have no rights to complain. I chose not to appeal, means I chose dentistry.

Doctor, I dont want to be a dentist. Even until now in my second year. I am chosen to study this course. I didnt choose this. Yea, I knew you wont beg me to stay. Instead, you would probably tell me to leave if I gave u a NO that day. If possible, I want to leave too. Can you please tell the gov people to approve my apply for course transffering? Doctor, please dont tell me to go for private or overseas. If my parents could afford me pursuing my dream abroad in the first place, I wont come to ukm too. So, without money, I could just stay here in this course, everyday pretending that I love this job very much, pretending that I dream to be a great dentist one day!

Since I came study here, I admitted I had never done my best in everything. Everything have been done in a sambil lewa way, not the best efforts I could give. I didnt know why I behave like this. I just dont have the passion in doing everything. I kept giving myself reasons...

In this second year, I started making dentures and do fillings. Sometimes when a restoration is done, I would be very glad, perhaps I could be happy for one whole day just because of that. But that doesn’t mean I like doing these things. I just think that I am a builder, building back what people lost. That’s it. Its dentistry. I still think that treating a patient with medical problems is far more interesting than looking out into people’s mouth… Honestly, I hope I am not here. Time pass by accompanied by lots of difficulties and sadness. I am always sad when other people can do a restoration in such a perfect way… but why cant I? I am sad because I don’t have a pair of creative hands which can help me finish works faster. Why?? I am chosen and destined to be here, but why am I not destined to own a pair of good hands? I keep on blaming, blaming myself, blaming others, blaming Him.

I would say I will be a dentist rather than I want to be a dentist. I never want to be a dentist. Anyway, I have promised myself for the next few years, just do my best until I graduate from this dental school. After that, I can do whatever I want. Even if I don’t have 100% passion in studying right now, I think I can still bear with those deadly feelings until I graduate from this dental school. No matter what, I need to graduate. That’s my goal. Don’t need to be excellent, don’t need to be perfect. I just want to pass and graduate...